25 Ways To Make Your Startup Suck

Here's the Harmonypark cheat sheet on 'How To Achieve Internet Marketing Banality', 

A.K.A 'How Not To Launch Your Startup / App / Service / Thing'.

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(in no particular order...)

(1) - Create an app that you don't use yourself, or worse:

 

(2) - Get frustrated when your friends don't really want to use your app.

 

(3) - Exaggerate the problem you solve so it doesn't feel marginal, and then hope that the magical Long Tail effect will make you rich and famous.

 

(4) - Do a beta without any stated goals, and no notion of what you're trying to learn from it.

 

(5) - Expect people to spend more than 60 seconds to sign up to your service.

 

(6) - Be "freemium" because you don't dare to scare users away by charging for your awesome and indispensable new service.

 

(7) - Try really really hard to get a little post about you in Techcrunch, Mashable et al because it will solve all of your marketing problems.

 

(8) - Mail blogs and sites that you have no rapport with about featuring your app, and then not follow up on your initial mails with a single phone call.

 

(9) - Pay for expensive online banner spots on other apps and blogs that you like because al the other companies are doing it.

 

(10) - Search for web forums that mention the problem that you solve and post a one-off comment that mentions your solution.

 

(11) - Start a new Twitter account and follow lots of people but gain almost no followers and not really care about the tweets that you follow as you only really desire to create a broadcast channel and not a dialogue.

 

(12) - Have a blog, but don't post to it.

 

(13) - Lose your mojo when you discover that another bright spark has had a similar app idea to you.

 

(14) - Say that your app is "the easiest way to" do something.

 

(15) - Wait until you have 100+ features before you do a first release, and then disagree with users when the feedback they give you tells you that your features aren't so hot, aren't needed or aren't even discoverable.

 

(16) - Try to please everyone with your software.

 

(17) - Make an iPhone/iPad app because it will generate insane buzz about you.

 

(18) - Setup a mass mailshot and have no idea which category your readers might fall into (dead lead / live lead / lapsed user / current user ).

 

(19) - Never talk to your users at all. Not even one person, once, in any shape or form.

 

(20) - Ignore your users' natural desire to gain fame, kudos and recognition online from their peers.

 

(21) - Go to lots of networking events only to spam the people you meet about your amazingly amazing startup.

 

(22) - Talk about hosting some "tech drinks" somewhere. Probably a shitty bar (but it has wifi!), and then never get around to doing it, or worse, never do anything social and fun with your brand or for your community.

 

(23) - Take your own personality / style out of your copy and visuals and pr in an effort to make yourself more 'investor friendly'.

 

(24) - Prototype a new app idea and then ditch it after a month for the next big thing because magically it hasn't made you rich and famous yet (and then repeat cycle).

 

(25) - Worry that people will want to steal your hot idea. "If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats" - Howard H. Aiken

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We' came up with this list as a bi-product of thinking about 'how not to launch'' Elementalise

Feel free to add your own Tips on How Not To Launch Your Startup / App / Service / Thing as a comment.

Comments

[Tim]

Have 10 different pricing models with another 47 bonus options hidden under The Product -> How much do I have to pay for this -> long table on the bottom.

[Tom]

26) Pick a crazy name for your startup that means absolutely nothing and says nothing about what you do. Your marketing is going to be so hot that everybody will know what you do